Somewhere in early adulthood, being the reflection of what my entourage appreciated, knowing how I “shouldn’t be”, gave direction to my life: a sense of the type of girl I ought turn into. In dedicating myself to what others expected, or valued I became carefree of my own desires. Lacking the slightest clue of what I wanted, I cumulated experiences in line with general aspirations. The main point is that whenever I felt lucky to be in my hoes, I forced them to fit and they had to do so perfectly. I pursued social validation while needing to be the best at everything I did, universally liked and admired.
While no one would disapprove of me for wanting different things, or criticize me for foregoing to give 100% of my energy to every single matter, it is I who would guilt myself when failing to make the most out of each opportunity.
These days, I can argue in favor of wanting to achieve perfection, of aiming for high standards, of shutting off unease or of forgoing wellbeing in order to be the best at what we set our minds to. I may dispute why it might not be ideal, but as long as it comes from the true inner self (the soul), we can derive indisputable reward. Success comes with grit, which asks for personal sacrifice. But wearing out in the name of ego is not without consequence. Indeed, lack of purpose often calls for harmful coping mechanisms aimed at removing the anxiety of “having it all” and feeling hollow.
If this leaves you to wonder how we can ignore to such lengths, those feelings consuming us inside, the answer is: we disconnect whenever brought to thinking about ourselves.
Each time I was asked a deeper personal question, one of existentialism; I tended to verbal diarrhea, superficially covering pretty much five topics at a time. What is more, I was always quick to cut a question with my response, as if I had so much to say. The illusion it gives works wonders: you impede people from making themselves clear, while walking away from liability in answering beside the point. Not to mention the impression of having shared “that” and more, which you successfully manage to leave. My responses could afford to make minimal sense when wittily shifting focus onto the asker. People certainly love talking about themselves…convenient, eh?
With a lifetime of practice in hand, I said goodbye to ever being true to myself. So when I finally became aware, the habit had to be challenged. In my next post, I will explain why it is essential to be at one with your Self.